Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
