i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
People in love make me want to vomit
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
