we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
