I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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