I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
