I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
