i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
