I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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