I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
