you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
