She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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