girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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