Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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