oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
