I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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