Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
