Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
did you just send me my own nude
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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