And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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