you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
