Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
a search helicopter?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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