It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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