Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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