Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
