clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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