sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You left your phone here
Wait...
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