I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
