I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
