when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
