what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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