I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
