Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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