hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
