She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
