if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
we should paint friendship bongs
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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