just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
