what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
