Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
