The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
