ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
