Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"