considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
