Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
