it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
