No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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