my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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