lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
