just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
