Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
