Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
