You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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