super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
