i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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