just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
