can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
