i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
