Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
