Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
